found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
