I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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