i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
