im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
