Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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