y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
