Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
