Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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