Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
