I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize