I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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