I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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