I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
