I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
