I am puke
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
