saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
