her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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