haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
