I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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