It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
