Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
