I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
