I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
