I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You can't motorboat a personality
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And then my night got REAL pukey
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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