Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
