I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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