omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
