remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
