I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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