My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
