And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
