I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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