I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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