I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
