Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish I only lived at night.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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