hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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