Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
