I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize