I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
