I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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