So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
