you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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