Soap is not a condiment
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
