he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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