I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
