so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
