How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
