please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
