the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im holly from the hills drunk
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize