I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
