A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I checked into jail on foursquare
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize