i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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