Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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