you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
