I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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