I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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