just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
