Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
