Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
