I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
