my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize