Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All I want is dick and wine.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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